


All the roses die (I’d rather keep them alive).

by devinemoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, Winter love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24974851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devinemoon/pseuds/devinemoon
Summary: Jaehyun comes every winter, when snow covers every corner and flowers die. But he never stays to see them bloom. Taeyong is his favorite flower.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	All the roses die (I’d rather keep them alive).

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist: 
> 
> Milk & Honey - Billie Marten  
> Bad Apple - Billie Marten  
> 505 - Arctic Monkeys  
> Love Alone - IU  
> In the car - offonoff

I am yours, forever yours. But…

Are you mine?

* * *

What we have is made out of constant wonders, woven in red thread and insecurities. Provides warmth in the winter like a knitted scarf but suffocates as soon as the summer comes by. When you don’t need it anymore, when you don’t need me anymore.

It started when we were 20 and with a kiss from a dare. I didn’t knew it then, maybe neither did you, but that foolish kiss was the start of a cycle we involved ourselves into, it’s vicious, addictive. It’s winter white and covered in petals. So pretty, so colorful yet so hurtful.

_“Let’s go for a drive, just the two of us.”_

You come when the leaves fall down and fly away to die at a forgotten place, just before the snow paints everything like a white canvas, like your skin.

Your skin is white and peachy, pure with a hint of naughtiness. It’s warm on good day, and frozen cold in bad days. On good days, where we stay in bed and you whisper just how much you love me. Where you paint flowers out of red, purple, and blue on my skin with your lips, you kiss my knuckles and whisper out the world for me.

How much I love you. I do love you, even when I’m tired, even when I’m desperate. I love you because there’s nothing else after you. No one else after you. Because your embrace and your smile keep me sane, safe.

Your hands know each and every single one of my scars, of my sunspots, the lines under my eyes. The trace maps on my skin and create new paths with your rough fingertips. As if they had a mind of their own the hold my hand, wrap around my neck and dry my tears. They go over my lips and grip my waist even when you’re not here. 

_“My pretty baby, my love…”_

I love and cherish every minute you’re with me. Whether is outdoors, pretending we’re just friend, or indoors being lovers. I’ve always been scared of asking the question. _Are we lovers?_ Because you’ll be gone anyway, you’ll be gone, and I’ll have nothing to hold onto for three more seasons. Through hot and cold, through blooming and chilly breeze.

Up until now, I’ve just been the leaves in the three that you are. When you need me, you have me; you keep me safe and healthy and stablish a strong grip of me. But when you don’t, when I can’t fulfill my role you’ll drop me, you’ll let me go.

Sometimes I’m scared of what will happen when the last leave falls from your tree. When the last of me becomes just a burden to you.

_"You're the prettiest, the prettiest every."_

Yours lies are addictive, the tell me what I want to hear, what makes my knees buckle and my hands tremble.

Thinking of you is like smoking my fifth cigarette, I hate the taste, but I love the addictiveness. You get into my lungs like smoke, turn everything blurry and make me feel at peace for a couple of time. But when you leave, all you leave is damage.

It's my fault. Because just like a cigarette I still look for you, even when you hurt me.

_“I wish I could spend my whole life with you.”_

It's a lie, it always is. because just like the winter, you'll be gone one day too.

Because I know that when the winter fades and the cold dances away from here, you'll be gone too. leaving me hopeless and to pick up the pieces even though I never find them all. you'll leave, you'll vanish, and you'll break me and my spirit once again. just like you always do.

But I hold onto you. I always do because the mere thought of letting you go scares me, keeps me looking over my shoulder and aware of my surroundings. I’ve learned overtimes that maybe I won’t even truly let you go, no matter how much it hurts or how many nights I have to spent crying myself to sleep and calling you name. No matter how much my friends tell me to leave you, to find someone better. There’s no one better than you, Jaehyun.

_“My rose, the most colorful, the prettiest. Mine.”_

I have to grow up. It’s time to me to grow up and focus on myself. But I can’t, I can’t let you go and pretend like we never happened, like you were never there and pretend everything was fine because it wasn’t, and it isn’t. I know nothing outside of you. No other heart, no other touch, no one else. And I feel like I’m tied to you, to your games and your pretty lies. And I despise you. I hate you with all my mind and love you with all my mind.

_“You know I can’t stay. We go through this every year.”_

I hate you. Because I can’t never tell if you really love me or if you just need me. Because you hold me like you love me, you fuck me like you need me. But, why does it feel like “love” and “need” are miles apart?

Why am I the only one receiving the damage? Why can’t you pretend you love me all seasons long? Why do you only love me when it’s the season flowers die? Why can’t you love when roses are in bloom? When I’m in bloom. Is winter our only season?

_“You’ll wait for me, right? I’ll come back to you next year.”_

But what if I decide I don’t want to wait anymore? What if I’m tired of waiting and seeking for a love that only comes by when it wants and not when I need it? I’m tired of holding onto something that is not certain, that I don’t even know will last for as long as I want or as long as I need. I’m tired of being the character of a tragic love story and the one that waits forever.

Every year I beg and pray for you to stay, and every year I see you taking the same train back to an unknown city, maybe to an unknown lover too. And oh, how much I wish I were that necklace you always wear. How I wish you could take me with you and cherish me whenever. How I wish you could keep me close all year round.

_“I love you, but right now I can’t stay.”_

The truth is that I will probably wait for you once again. Even when my friends hate you, even when you’ve become the box I’m in, that keeps me from growing. Even if you’re the cigarette that blurs my view. Even when you’re the snow that burns my skin.

I know I say this every year, but if you decide to come back to me, bring the pieces you stole from me.

* * *

— [♡] ; **Moon has sent you a message!**

I really really wanted to write in here again so here we are!

Through this fic I wanted to express the mess in Taeyang’s mind. With thoughts everywhere, the back and forth between “I resent you to I love you” and the constant wonders that leave him sleepless. It has no shape, no order, and it’s frantic and messy. Questions with no answers and memories he’s no really sure he remembers with fondness.

I also wanted to let everyone know that it’s okay to let go. It’s healthy and you deserve to let go of whatever is making you feel bad or like there’s nothing else after that something or that someone. Ask yourself what you really like, what you hate, what makes you laugh, cry, what you want and what you really need. Take your time to grow, to find yourself.

**Author's Note:**

> twt: @10velyfebruary


End file.
